The power of words

I’ve used up all my allotted space on WordPress and can no longer post photos . This is a sad day; like that time the actual music died in LA; the indie radio station went off the air followed by a long beep and finally some static filled faint Mariachis. I cannot even begin to grasp the mysteries of life, but I’ll just continue searching my soul for answers and trying to be kind to myself and my family and everyone. We all need kindness. I tried to remember my first memory as a child and what came to mind was me hiding. Why was I hiding? There was a sense of fear, of being afraid? Who was I afraid of? I was a child, what could I possibly have done so terribly wrong that I was afraid ? I’ll continue digging. Until then I must be kind, I must dance, I must sing, I must do all the things that terrify me. 

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Surrender

I give in, I am not ok. My insides feel like they are deteriorating. I’m collapsing in on myself. 

perhaps…perhaps…perhaps… 

I flow through the motions of the day and try to keep my spirits high, my thoughts positive, my outlook bright. But it’s exhausting. I am not ok. I am not ok. I am not ok. I am sad. I am failing. I am lost. I look around me and see all this stuff and I don’t know why I feel this way. But I do, and today I’m embracing it. Today, I’m not fighting. Today I am allowing myself to be a sad, lost, crumbling woman. And that’s ok.

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Reset

Reset again and again 

Saying goodbye 

I’ll try not to cry

But I do

The turn of events

Play in my head

Around and around they spin

Can’t get the facts straight

Did he love me or not

Was it all a big joke on me?

Reset again and again 

I’ll try not to cry

But I do

I loved him

And maybe I don’t know what love is 

I loved him 

Even when it felt like me vs him

I loved him 

Now it’s over

Goodbye

I’ll try not to cry

I’ll wipe them away

And start new

In the morning 


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Misery

A lonesome brutal chapter in my life has ended. And yet, there was a lot of love there. Silence please.

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Ping pong 

When nothing’s going right, go left. 

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Abba

The delineation between faith and sanity is slim. Gotta have faith, sure. Or perhaps you’ve lost your mind. And love can be washed over with hate, no, the love is still there, but it’s beneath the surface, it’s the love that started it all, but now the hate has erupted. defensive like a trapped animal, and yet To have freedom to love whomever; hurt me , love anyways, hurt me, strike back snake! Survival. 


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Dues ex machina

The beautiful wonderful part about the world is being able to see it. Traveling gives me clarity, calm & peace of mind. Back at home I’ve fallen back into my old brain patterns. I am a chronic negative thinker. I believe these thoughts, I spiral, and crash. I have a civil war inside my brain, the one side screaming negative thoughts, the other screaming”trust yourself”. What do I trust? How do I know what’s real ? Mental health is real, luckily I’m getting help. Thanks to a friend. I have to retrain my brain to call bullshit! Not on my lover and my family and friends, on my goddamn brain! How you like dem apples? I have to imagine a new story and try to remember every day to ask myself what’s the best that can happen, to imagine a positive outcome. I have to flex my brain muscles to think positive. 😈

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