rain delay

New York is a beast of a city. Maybe its that I ride a bike, but i truly never feel like i’ve worked so hard in my entire life than I have in the past 3 days. Im exhausted, but exhilarated. I have found a new job! A rinky dink music venue, but a job nonetheless. Theres a quiet in the air today, from the rain i suppose, the drizzle really, and it gives me pause. a moment of reflection to ponder on just what the fuck is happening in my life. what do i want to happen? I spoke to my mother yesterday, feeling a bit confused about love, and she seems to think i don’t even know myself, as far as love is concerned, and i have to agree with her. What she said was the equivalent to shining a light under the bed, i hadn’t realized that my favorite missing shirt was under there, or just how much dust had accumulated. That was a bad analogy, but the point is, i needed to completely reevaluate who i am. To be honest..i want a career above all else. to be honest…i want a man i am head over heels in love with. to be honest…i want a lil babe someday..maybe soon. to be honest..i need someone to laugh with. But you know, thinking of the future is frightening. I can imagine all pretty pink clouds and unicorns and rainbows, but the truth is, i don’t know whats ahead for me. Maybe my wildest dreams will come true. Maybe they wont. Maybe my wildest nightmares will come true. maybe they wont. Do ray me that brings me back to right here right now. Things are good. They are not how id have liked them to be OF COURSE! But things are on the right track at the very least. Baby steps. God how i wish they were God baby steps i.e. leaps and bounds. But baby steps for now is good. Baby. steps.                                                                                                            

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