I spoke to God today, but he was just a man. And he asked me if I felt him in his heart, although i cant say i did. He knew me by name, and saw the tears in my eyes. It was strange and all together different. Whoever this man is. Id like to thank him, although he could well be my murderer. But after having spoken to him, i feel lighter, calmer, happier. Who? Why? How? But then again, this is LA, City of Angels, anything can happen. I spoke to God today, and he told me to let go of what im carrying. to criticize my own criticisms. to share my feelings.
Ive always felt a little unjust talking about my feelings, but noone teaches you how to grieve. A perosn never realizes what theyve lost till its gone, is a true statement. I miss my brother and sister. And my heart is heavy still. I can feel my shoulders tense up and my breathing become shallow, as if i take a deep breath everything will spill out of me. Completely fucked up, but hilarious; they had a street wise intelligence to them. How do you say it? They had everything and it was wasted. Life took ahold of them and killed them off. It was the 90s. It was the suburbs. It was our middle class upbringing. It was the neighbors. I could come up with endless equations. But noone could make me laugh like they could. Maybe in another world they’re alive and healthy and happy and thriving and living in big houses with little famiies and our family photo grows by the year.
Somehow ive deteriorated. Im killing myself slowly with a poison mind eroding away at my insides. First it starts with my brain and then my heart. When i close my eyes and try to imagine a time when everything was still, when I was ok, I am all alone in the Grand canyon. Im sitting alone in this grandeous canyon, too tired to walk any longer, and not wanting to miss out on this beauty in front of me. I was ok then. And maybe an eagle cried as it flew through the air above me. I felt ok then. Mentally and physically i was ok. I need to get back there. to that place of stillness. Where i can forget about myself long enough to admire the beauty in front of me. And ill be ok.