timeless

what happened to doing the things i want to do? I feel as if i barely have enough time in the day to complete a couple mundane tasks let alone the things i actually want to accomplish. each and every day is filled wiht a list of things i need to complete and i get the feeling ill never have time for anything. And i berate myself for not doing those things, for wasting time here, writing about not doing those things. im freshly single again. and that was no easy decision. my ex was “a keeper”, genuinely caring, intelligent, and not a total embarrasement in public, though his dancing skills left something to be desired and he lacked romanticism, but then im not very romantic myself. But more importantly im trying to figure our this thing called life that i have absolute no grip on. I feel as if , if i could control one thing in my life, everything else would fall into line. if i could be a size 2 then i would miraculuosly have more time to do the things i want to do or id finally book that role in that movie or play. But im really just trying to realize life is not the fairytale i believed it to be. Despite all the naysayers i kept my head held high and told myself a different story, that for me things would be different. My ex asked me to move to New York saying “you can do anything you want to do, you can come home to a loving supportive person, you dont have to worry about the rent”. Another “opportunity” im passing up because I want to pave my own way. I want more time to draw, to make silly videos, to create, to play. Id like to take a long bath filled with bubbles and scrub away the filthy feeling i have of nothingness, of indecisiveness, of making the right choice, of being successful, of standards. 

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