Peace

I don’t know how to live with a sense of peace.
I have little control over my life and I’m afraid of whichever decision I make. You know that saying, do what scares you? Well I can’t decide which scares me more. I have always had this fear of moving to New York, even though I have always wanted to live there. But now, having moved to Los Angeles instead, I think to myself, what scares me more? Moving to New York or leaving LA? That’s not exactly what I was thinking, I mean, in writing that sounds absurd. But the actions I take are absurd. I have no sense of peace. I feel anxious about all my actions. I second guess everything I do or write. It’s an Awful way to live.
Sometimes, more and more these days, I can’t believe how much I obsessed about being famous. I’ve spent years of my life studying acting so I could be in a movie, so I could walk down a red carpet, so I could feel important & talented. But everyday, more& more, I’m seeing that that dream or fantasy or idealization will most likely never happen. So I’m doing indie films & theatre just because I love it. But do I really love acting if it’s leading me nowhere? This thought of nowhere & nothing leaves me feeling so lost. It’s like I can’t even be a good artist, I can’t peacefully live an artists life so I’d rather just … I have nothing to fill in the blank there. I don’t want a desk job. And I don’t want to kill myself. What I want is to be a recognized artist in the community of artists who make money & seemingly live good lives. Damn I feel so foolish. I feel stuck and lonely and sad.

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