Today

Two things happened today. I played my violin for people to hear and I prayed. Playing my violin, I was nervous. I was shaking and I had a rush of nastalgic feelings I hadn’t felt since I last competed in violin. This wasn’t a competition. I couldn’t vibrato properly and my bow was shaking so much it bounced. I was out of tune and though I can’t tell you exactly if I was good or bad. I know I played awfully. But, I learned that this is a vulnerable part of me. I’ve kept it hidden away and I’ve lost my abilities so to share that with people is to be vulnerable. And that I can relish in. And being in a place of despair, which I easily fall pray to I clasped my hands together looked up to the heavens and said a prayer. But what I found was that I don’t believe in prayer bc when my brother and sister were dying my parents would only pray and I thought, stubbornly, they needn’t pray, they need to do something! And though I still believe that I suppose there is salvation in prayer when you’ve surrendered your whole being to a higher power. And that is vulnerability.

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