Reflection

When I was a year away from graduating college I really began to feel a clenching panic. What would I do ? What would I be when I graduated? And all I wanted to be was an actress. I dreamed of moving to California, but it didn’t seem like a real possibility. What would my family think if I wasted my college education? Everyone would laugh at my dreams. My last semester I took one of those “figure it out” classes where you answer a bunch of questions in a book. Funny enough it helped. But I still wasn’t sure where to start. I knew I wanted to model. I sent photos into FoRD and they called! I was ecstatic! I was model material?! Holy crap!! I did a few catalog department store jobs & a few months later they asked me to move to Chicago ! Holy smokes ! Right on cue: I was so over college & I could finish online. My bf & I were on& off notoriously. And I’d just had a blowout-end-all-fight with my one ex-roommate. So I moved to Chicago, back in with my parents, but I loved it! I felt on top of the world. Sort of. My agents told me to lose weight . And I did! I met a new guy & fell madly in love. He had a wife & a coke problem. That ended when I met a french savvy New Yorker who whisked me away to NYC. And then Paris for nye. I traveled to Israel for a month and when I got back my agents told me to come back only when I’d lost the inch I’d gained from traveling. And I took it hard. I vowed to quit modeling. But the truth is losing weight was hard! I love modeling. But I’m not built like a model. I played the struggling actress game next. Too fat to model I found an acting agent and started working in small theaters around Chicago while taking classes. I tried to get back with Ford but they didn’t find me a good fit anymore. Fast forward and now I’m here in la. Still idolizing models & taking acting classes. My acting work feels good. I’m still fat. Or rather not model material. And I still get nervous at auditions even after all this practice. So what am I suppose to be now? I failed at modeling and I’m feeling like a failure at acting. I have no real skills. I can sell vintage clothes. I’m good at thrifting. I love writing & magazines but I don’t feel qualified. And where would I begin? I’m feeling fat & out of options. This is an abundant world. Why do I feel so left out?

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