Road trip

I have butterflies in my stomach. Or maybe my stomach is in knots? Either way I’m nervous. I’m moving to Los Angeles into a house full of people I don’t know. I could get there & it’s a total scam and maybe the house has been bulldozed. Or I get there & all my roommates hate me. I want to get a bike. My mom is road tripping with me and I keep imaging a car crash. My most practical fear. If I total my car then what? I guess I’d have to move to New York. That would be cool but LA would be kaput. First I want to do the LA thing, you know, network, schmooze and work my way to the top of the A-listers. Ya know, all the coolest people I’ve ever known no longer like me. What does that say about me? I don’t know but why should I care? I’m just trying my best to float through life w/ out truely fucking up too much. I’m in a film in February and I have some serious anxiety about it. The director& writer has a huge Facebook presence, which is, more than I care to know, and hives me false ideas about an intangible man. The anxiety stems from the idea of making out with him & then mumble coring after. What if I spit out something honest that is not flattering to director/writer? I’ve gone back & forth if this is a project I actually want to do. But this guy has poured out his heart into these pages and then humbly asked me to be apart of something monumental in his life. So of course I want to do it. I’m just scared. Being an actor can be scary. I’m such a scaredy cat these days. Meow. I’m scared to move, to speak, to think the wrong thoughts. Essentially I’m scared to live. Jesus, welcome to adulthood girl. Oof

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