i am currently reading stephen king’s pet sematary. and for one reason or another, these pictures evoke an idea of death or rebirth. Last night at church, the mass was almost unbearable and when asked to sing i barely wanted to move my mouth. Nothing anyone was saying seemed to resonate with my own beliefs. I dont normally attend church, but per my mothers christmas wishes, i went. The stories seemed confused even. And after recently watching melonchalia I had to wonder did God bless this planet with life or are we a cosmic miracle. Ive been having plenty of existential crisis lately, so this growing headache didnt seem new to me. The only thing that keeps my faith alive, or at least last nght, was remembering walking in Jerusalem, where Jesus had walked. That somehow felt holy, maybe the only time in my life I felt something holy and unexplainable. But religion to me, is believing we are all connected in this Universe, that I do believe in a higher power, but if that is a man in a sky, I am not sure. I believe in energy and our thoughts and the cosmos. Why then, on earth, do I celebrate the holiday of Christ risen again. And, in all of my darkness, I find it very gothic to celebrate the dead.

despite my doubts, i pray.


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