This or that 

there’s a poem on the subway that reads something like “our wasted lives are filled with miracles”. I couldn’t agree more.  

                                                                                                                 

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Dammit!

god dammit! Fuck fuck fuck! I’m a moron. A simpleton. I’m “too hard on myself”. I NEED A CHILL PILL. Nothing is right. All day I moan and groan and try to suck up enough confidence to feel good about myself for a second. My mind is reeling. I’m a head trip. A nut job. A real piece of work. I’m a snowflake. I’m unique. JUST LIKE  EVERYONE ELSE. I’m so fucking neurotic and self centered I can’t see straight. I can’t kill myself. But I can “live like I’m dead already”. FUCK YOU JEFFBRIDGES. Go fuck yourself stars. Go to hell fortune. Don’t cry. Just breathe. Everything will be ok. You know I live my life by a series of quotes. “It always seems impossible until it’s done” FUCK OFF Nelson Mandela ! I’ve lost it. I’m gone. Sarah has left the building.  

                                                                               

  

  

  

  

 

  

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Red lights 

it’s a funny feeling when you’re happy. But all the stars need be aligned.A light flutter in the belly.A heavy beating of the heart.Imagining imagining .A happy life .2 girls, sisters, and a garden .Happy happy happiness.magic. 

                                                                               

       

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Love shack

I’m living in a seasaw world of commitment and failure. Commitment & failure. Commitment & failure. Which way will the beam stop? Commitment. Failure. It’s exhausting. And exhilarating. It’s exciting to fail & then pick yourself up off the floor  and begin again because dammit your committed. I’m certain that’s what crazy is.                                                                                  

   

    

      

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Sickled 0’er with the pale cast of thought 

                                                                                

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

threshold

meloncholy has crept back into my brain. i feel on the verge of tears every second and sometimes i think, “this is great for my art” and that makes me even sadder to think i call myself an artist but ive got no art to show for it. I decided i couldn’t do this artist thing anymore, because realistically, its not happening for me, it never has been happening for me. But then i go and try to quit and do something else with my life and its like my life shatters because im giving up the only thing im passionate about. I know there are millions of others out there just like me, the struggle is real, but i wish i wasn’t so obscure to the point that i have no chance at all. I feel as if im just gonna crack soon, and its like everyday my whole being is being cracked just a little more. I suppose the good thing is once im cracked wide open i can, what is it that they say? let the light in, start over, begin again? something along those lines. Nothing feels right and ive resorted to taking things one day at a time. ONE DAY AT A TIME! Are you kidding me? Who am I ? A fucking drug addict? I might as well be. I am addicted to chocolate. Ive been trying to keep my head up and a smile on my face and gratitude for all that i have but all i really want to do is huddle in the corner of a room and cry under a blanket. I feel as if Ive done something wrong to deserve this life. When i was a kid, maybe 11 or 12, i use to ride my bike to Walmart and steal shopping bags full of candy and cupcakes and fruit juice and basically all the bad sugary things my Mom wouldn’t buy for me. I did this regularly for like, i dont know, a month at least. I never got caught. I dont know how i didnt get caught, but now i feel as if maybe because i was so bad then is like why i have no success as an adult. I am also the most awkward human being on the planet. I am so overly self concious about the words coming out of my mouth i feel as if i say too much or nothing at all because im never quite sure which way is better and either way i feel as if whoever im talking to thinks im a moron. the only time I feel any sort of comfort is when im working on a play, which is basically, only in studio rehearsals. Mostly i just want to jump off a building.  

                                                                                                           

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Getaway

ill be in LA in a month. I can’t wait. The soft fogs and salty ocean air. California feels like home and I miss it. I feel so utterly completely lost. I wasted my twenties.  

                                                                                                   

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized