Some days I continue to do the work but I feel so silly. So foolish. Why do I keep carrying on? I guess there’s nothing else to do is why. I have a crush on a boy from my past and he’s not my boyfriend. He keeps popping in my mind these days. So I remind myself that love is a choice, and it is, but some days it’s harder than others. And I’m too curious not to wander down that road a little bit, just to say hello, and see what may unfold.
Baby don’t hurt me. No more. Trust is something I grapple with. Grapple, is that a word? Is it a real or imagined problem? Should I seek out therapy? Probably. In every serious loving relationship I’ve had I find myself questioning their merit of trust. Even the most trustful man I will doubt. Why? Why why why? Being human is weird. And wild on top. But I’ve learned to enjoy the discomfort. I’ve learned to sit quietly in the feelings of loneliness & fear & doubt & worry, unfortunately when I’m happy and elated I’m not too focused on “how I feel” but I’ll try to be more conscious of it. I want to experience every emotion fully and live in it. So bring it on life, give me everything you got. I’ll accept it and hopefully I can give back to the world by expressing these sometimes awful sometimes wonderful parts of humanity.
I’ve been stuck. This time it was a bit deep . I was asking questions, desperately seeking help, to everyone around me. A friend even sternly suggested I trust my gut; listen to the voice in my head, instead of disregarding it as my imagination, which I so often do. Crawling out of a black hole is difficult, living each day in a black hole is even more difficult. I am my own worst enemy; I’m not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, talented enough, in short, I’m not enough. Negativity fuels my thoughts distorting my perceptions of myself and everyone around me. It’s ugly. And so today I came across an article and when it read like the voice of Charles bukowski, I listened. Clarity breaking the mind numbing silence reiterated that I can answer my own questions, I have all the answers, and I can trust myself to know what to do. So I stopped worrying if I could afford therapy or which meditation would help best or if yoga was the answer and I sat with a pen & paper and answered my questions. It wasn’t difficult. It took less than 5 minutes. In under 5 minutes I created my roadmap for tommorow so I can sleep tonight.
“Love is all that matters. Love is what you are to me.” I give up. Life was never suppose to be this difficult. But here I am, struggling with each and every day. Work harder, don’t work too hard, keep pushing, let go, hey fuck you, I’m gonna go hide in my boyfriends cave and never come out. As I scrolled through the endless films on netflix I began to see just how much crap art there is. It’s funny anyway. Nobody dreams of making crap art, we all just want to be on top, but we make crap on our way to the top . A mountain of crap. Keep pushing, work harder, don’t give up . Please stop yelling. How about , no. Why is my brain always against me? Be my friend brain, I’m begging you.