I’m a jumble of thoughts. I’m filled with need, desire, jealousy, anger, frustration, tenderness, love, longing, sadness. I am human after all. But trying to live peacefully in this muck and jumping hurdles after hurdles. I’d like a paved yellow brick road. But instead I’ve got roadblocks, potholes, traffic jams. I’d like things to happen like I feel they are happening for those around me and damn I work hard. I’m afraid it’s not hard enough, or I just don’t have that je ne sais qoui . I’m hard on myself. This I know. But I’ve got nothing! And I’m old! And if really like something good to happen, I don’t care how tiny and insignificant it may be. Oh god I forgot that everything & all things are those tiny insignificant things. I’m tired of dreaming & being positive. I want to actually live and be positive because finally I’ve achieved something! And let’s not get started on my obsessive materialistic addiction to fashion. Why? But then,who cares why if it makes you happy. I’m lost in my own head. How egotistical of me. Id like to be lost in work. Fuck I’m frustrated. On all fronts.
ch 2. peace by the light
the machines are at it again. filling the black sky with their echoing sounds. my stomach is in agony and the pain is never ending. the roaches have begun to accumulate and the sweet blonde next door is beginning to notice. bombs cant kill what ive got. they crawl through my sheets at night and i pay no mind, asleep in dreams. bugs. bugs. bugs.
is there anything so ambiguous as love
how do we describe that nasty bug
that crawl under our skin and nestles
in deep in the thick of our blood
infecting our veins
the rush of morphine to the brain on eyecontact
and too touch and too hold
but having lost that which i loved
can my heart sore and surge again?
or am i undone, purged, emptied, hallowed.
I told myself I’d meditate this morning but instead I’ve decided to post yet another seemingly never ending obsessive-like mirage of impossibly thin, beautiful woman. I’ve decided to skip tango today and go to yoga instead. It feels right. In a skipping class kind of way. I feel a funk coming on , maybe just today but I have an unsettling feeling in my body. Like I want something and I can’t make it materialize and I’m angry. Mrowr.
I just want something to happen. I had a callback for the Prada commercial and I blatantly lied that I could ride a motorcycle (although in my panic I set up a lesson for tommorow). I didn’t get the job. It’s weird the thoughts that race through my head because obviously it’s a job I really wanted and then I begin to think I’m not worthy of a job like that and I’d probably brag about it on social media which is unattractive (then I want to delete my social media accounts) and then I hope the universe will prove me wrong, that I AM in fact good enough for Prada. Huh. This week has exhausted me , and I have to do it all over again next week, hopefully better. There’s so much I want to accomplish, with my acting, I don’t want to be another statistic, another “actress”, another failure. I want to work with the directors I admire on the stages I esteem with the actors I respect. Some days (like today) my lack of inaction leaves me banging my head against the wall. A silent scream inside , “dear God please let something happen.” I am enough in every capacity and yet the horror of Now is engulfing me all too quickly.