Thought

What’s worth it? How much is my time worth? Is it worthless? No rest for the wicked. Wear weary quite contreary. Love? Like? Necessary? Time. Time. Time. I want to quit my jobs. So I can write. Say it out loud and I just sound absurd. I just want to act. Tell stories. And get paid to do it. Fuck. The runaround and the fucking people I don’t want to deal with. And oy the budget. The fucking budget. Maybe I can get by if I just sell all my belongings.

Life is weird

It’s strange how things can change. How my own feelings can make a 180 and something I wasn’t sure about before I can feel a certain certainty about in a blink of an eye. That’s not to say things wont change again. That’s life. That’s the great constant great mystery of life: change.

Broken hearted

I’ve struggled with my dreams for the past 5 years. But the first 2 years were bliss. And now I feel so disheartened. My teachers tell me I’m good, at least that’s what translates. But I’m not the one booking the roles, that would be my scene partner who walks and talks like a fucking robot. I guess that’s how you get Em in Hollywood. My agents, ugh. One of them seems to only be losing jobs for me. The other I wrote a passioned letter requesting we sit together & talk, and I’m not worthy of a reply. Ok I get it! U think I suck! Everyone thinks I suck except for me. How did that fucking chubby robot kid get cast opposite Rachel mcadams and I can’t land a fucking dish soap commercial or a fucking tiny role in transformers (which by tge way i auditioned for 5 characters at once! that was fun. thanks michael bay & casting associates. And my crazy director friend says ” oh I’m leaving the underground art scene for more mainstream film and I want you in it” so I say ” will I need to audition for your producers or sign anything?” “No no” hmmm . I’m tired of the bullshit runaround. I’m tired of second guessing and not knowing. I’m tired of being a bottom feeder.

Reach out

And touch faith. I sent 2 emails and received No response. I did Mali the other night & it refreshed my perspective.

A Mother’s Day to remember

I made a promise to my mother today. A challenge to myself. While I didn’t use the word promise that’s what it is and ill carry it in my heart.

Freedom wings

Those people
High above me
Playing
All day
With their toys
Having fun
Mercy free
Careless driven
Fun
Beside myself
With anger
Doubt
And rage
Smashing violently
On the walls inside my brain
Like thunderous waves
Crashing
Crashing
Crashing
And the calm
Of the beach
And the kiss of his touch
His strong arms wrapped
Around me
I can hide in his arms
Wandering blind
In the dark
Barefoot
Alone

Nope

That’s a firmitive.